How I am feeling...

Before I write this post, I just want to make sure that no one interprets me sharing my experience, which means the good and bad, as me just complaining or being ungrateful.  I obviously recognize the amazing blessing these babies are but even blessings can have their ups and downs!

I thought since I shared the story of how we found out and how we shared our news, I would fill in how I am really feeling...

Physically: A lot of typical pregnancy stuff but seems to be more exaggerated than my previous pregnancies (yay extra hormones!).  I am definitely more hungry and have to eat at least every two hours or I start to get nauseous but at the same time nothing sounds good to eat which leaves me to not feel good a lot.  My staples are cereal (2-3 bowls a day) and Carnation instant breakfast (2 cups a day).  I am 14 and a half weeks and have only gained 4 pounds so far but I feel like that will steadily increase. The funny part is that just as I found out I was pregnant I was finishing my second weight loss challenge, using Dietbet, to finally get rid of the 8-10 pounds I had left over from when I was pregnant with Kaley.  At least I got down to my pre-Kaley weight just before getting pregnant, plus I really don't mind gaining the weight for such a good reason.

 My belly is definitely bigger for being 14 weeks (hello, there's two in there!).  I could definitely pass for 5 or 6 months pregnant especially if this was my first pregnancy.  Because of my belly growing so rapidly I have had some pretty killer back pain.  My biggest struggle is definitely the exhaustion.  I am just tired all the time, like for real tired.  I'll get a little bit of energy for an hour or two but will crash again.  Yesterday I had good energy for almost the whole day and it felt amazing!  I got some much neglected cleaning done!  Steve has been awesome helping with the kids and around the house, doing almost all of the grocery shopping, and being ok with me barely ever cooking dinner.  I have been very lucky to have him around so much these past couple of months.

Pretty quickly after we found out it was twins both Steve and I made the comment that we feel like first time parents all over again.  We have no idea what is happening or what to expect, there is so much to learn about this pregnancy, and we have so much to do and figure out before the babies come.  It all feels new to me and I know our experience will be completely different than any of my other pregnancies or deliveries.  Not to mention we have to figure out feedings, sleeping arrangements, car seats, strollers, and how we will ever leave the house.

The babies:  I have now had 3 ultrasounds/appointments.  One of them was at the high risk OB where they just confirmed that everything looks great which means I don't need to go back there unless a serious complication comes up.  I have already had more ultrasounds with this pregnancy than with each of my others (just the initial and then the anatomy one half way through).  I actually love that I get to see these babies so much and know exactly how big they are getting and how they are doing.  These appointments have done so much to calm my many fears/anxieties as so far everything is looking awesome and totally healthy.  For now I will be going to the doctor for an appointment and ultrasound every two weeks.  Now we just pray and cross our fingers crossed that they will stay healthy and keep cooking on the inside for as long as we can.  This is where we are hoping the fact that I have had three very healthy pregnancies and deliveries (minus the fact that they were c-sections) without any complications is a good indicator for this time around.  You just never know!

The kids continue to be super excited and talk about the twins a lot.  We have nicknamed them the tater tots while they are in my belly.  We are completely stumped when it comes to names and really have nothing, not even middle names, and we have to come up with two!

Emotionally: So far this has been quite the roller coaster of emotions.  I think the key word in my mind is OVERWHELMED.  I am overwhelmed by the blessing of two healthy babies on the way.  Overwhelmed that Heavenly Father felt this was right for our family and trusts us with two more precious spirits and the responsibility of that.  Overwhelmed that we will have FIVE kids.  Four seemed like a crazy number to us and we are just skipping to five.  The three that we have can seem like a handful and drive us bonkers sometimes and at those times imagining two newborns added to the mix is pretty scary.  I have also been dealing with a lot of fear.  Fear of how I will be able to handle this pregnancy physically and emotionally.  How I can still be a good/present mom to my three during this pregnancy.  How the kids will adjust.  A whole lot of fear of how these babies will be health wise, if they will have complications or problems or come way too early and face NICU time or worse.  Fear of how in the world I will possibly be able to handle two newborns, daunting enough without 3 others that need my attention and care. Fear that I will never sleep again or that life will never feel normal again.

There is so much involved emotionally in all of this and it is so much more exaggerated this time with twins on the way instead of just one.  As soon as we found out we were having two I went straight for pinterest and started a secret board and started pinning all sorts of things.  I have loved finding blogs documenting twin pregnancies step by step.  One of them had a post early on in her pregnancy that had a giant list of every single one of her fears, big and small.  I read it and just nodded my head and got choked up because it was everything I was thinking.  At the end of that post she had put that she had felt prompted from God that everything was going to be ok, no matter what that meant, and she chose to trust in that.  She ended her post by writing about her twins, "They are real, and they are His, and they are ours, and we are blessed."  That has become my personal mantra for this experience and has been hanging on my fridge so I can see it multiple times a day.

This whole year coming up will be quite the adventure for us: this pregnancy, babies early in the summer (hopefully not earlier), two newborns, and then adjusting as a family of 7.  Along with that we have so many question marks and things that need to get figured out: job (hopefully VERY soon and something that will be good for Steve and that we can support our family), where we are going to live or put everyone if we stay here, a vehicle since we're pretty sure we can't fit in the mini van we have, and so much in terms of baby stuff.  Remember that word overwhelmed?  Yeah, there's a lot of that around her.  I keep feeling like we will be ok.  I'm not sure if it is just me being unrealistic or in denial or I am just too tired to really think things through.  Haha, one way or the other it will come together, right?!

(After I wrote this post and read it, I feel like it's pretty scattered, sorry about that!)