Mom struggles...

I love taking pictures of my kids and the fun adventures we have together but sometimes I don't feel as though pictures are totally honest.  They are usually posed and what we want others to see and leaving out the frustrating or messy parts of life.  That is why I have to be careful with social media and keep things in perspective.  Others' lives look so put together, it's hard not to compare.  But that is just what they are choosing to share, we don't see the whole picture.  This is also the reason I stay away (and time too!) from mommy or lifestyle blogs.

So yes, I share happy, smiley pictures of my kids and talk about how cute, sweet, and fun they are, there is also so much that I don't take pictures of or share.  This mom business is hard, sometimes really hard and not so picturesque.  So here it is, my mommy struggles...

-I am tired, almost always.
-Preston is always loud and gets way too crazy way too often.
-Preston and Abby can argue a lot, or when they are playing together it always gets too rough and crazy and someone usually gets hurt.
-Abby is super emotional and can throw ridiculous temper tantrums sometimes.  It drives me nuts and I have to completely remove myself or I lose my temper like crazy.
-Abby acts completely clueless sometimes.
-Kaley has her moments of two year old tantrums.
-Kaley wants to have screen time all day everyday and some days it's just easier to let her.
-Preston and Abby complain A LOT and we can't seem to break that habit.  I worry about where I have gone wrong to have them be so negative at times.
-I yell at my kids, something that I am not proud of but it happens.
-Mom guilt is real!!
-I question everyday if I am giving my kids what they need emotionally, physically, mentally and with what I teach them or how I discipline them.
-The twins continue to grow and keep learning new things but each new milestone scares me and I fear the changes and adjustments that each new stage brings (ie. crawling, walking, potty training!).
-Am I paying enough attention to both Riley and Maddie??  I often leave them to play while I focus on the other kids or get things done.  Am I just ignoring them?
-Potty training is just around the corner for Kaley and I would much rather change her diaper than run to the bathroom every 15 minutes.
-I feel stuck at home and it feels almost impossible to go anywhere with the twins and Kaley, let alone all 5 kids.
-I used to be a very independent kind of mother and we were always on the go, now I am the exact opposite and I don't really like that.
-Outings make me incredibly anxious.
-I feel like all eyes are on me whenever we go anywhere because we stick out with 5 kids and twins, especially at church.
-My post twin body is in bad shape and I have a lot of weight to lose.
-I eat too much junk food and rely on caffeine and sugar to get me through the day.
-Some days I just don't want to cook dinner and we just eat cereal.  Thankfully Steve is nice about it.
-I struggle keeping on top of the housework.  Some days it takes all of my effort just to get the dishwasher unloaded and loaded.
-I get lonely some days with zero adult interaction except for Steve at the end of the day.  It's hard to make and keep mommy friends because we are all so busy.

This is seriously not meant as complaining or whining, it's just the things I struggle with or run through my head constantly.  You can't capture all of this in a picture but it is part of my experience as a mom.  Add to that ever since I had the twins I have struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety.  It is not so bad that I am stuck on the couch all day and has not affected how I feel about my children or how much I feel blessed in my motherhood... however, it makes some days a lot harder.  The littlest things can be so incredibly overwhelming to me and just fill me with anxiety.  I am on a small dosage of a prescription to help me but even still some days I feel a combination of crying or wanting to cry with a racing heart and shortness of breath all day long for no reason.  It makes it really hard to feel like myself or feel confident in my ability to be a good mother sometimes.  I have learned (and I am continuing to learn) a lot about letting others help me and being ok with that.  That's hard for me.  I'm having to learn that change and adjusting is just part of life and children growing and it's ok.  Once again, that's hard.

I can't stress enough how blessed and lucky I feel to have these 5 beautiful children and for their health and safety.  Some days I can just soak it in, feel on top of things, and feel like I have it all under control.  Other days, not so much.  I think that's all part of it.  I'm trying and hoping that I am doing a good enough job each day.